Things to Do During the War

Are you worried about the war? About destroyed buildings and collateral damage? Well, you’re not doing your part of the war effort if you’re not putting your faith in our elected leaders to lead us to victory. Remember, the way to win a war is to focus on the things that make us great. So, we’ve put together a list of activities that you and your loved ones can do while we thrash Baghdad.

Take a vacation. No, not to stinky old Europe (unless it’s to Britain), but take a vacation in America. Since armed conflict tends to make overseas sojourns risky, you’re bound to join countless other Americans who will suddenly re-discover the United States. Think of it this way, by spending your money here, you’re bound to help boost the economy which in turn will chip mightily away at the deficit and increase consumer spending. Pretty soon, the market will swing mightily upwards and we’ll all be swimming in loot. And you will have done your part.

Have lots of sex. Take a favorite line from the mushy headed liberals and make love during the war. In times of crisis, people usually do things like fast or abstain from sexual relations. But those are things people from positions of weakness, and that’s the last thing anyone can accuse the US of being. So, eat lots of carbohydrate-rich foods and fuck like there’s no tomorrow because we need our strength. To fight the evil-doers, we need more of us, and we don’t need to be half-dead weaklings.

Boycott Hollywood. La La Land is famous for its liberal causes and overall weakness that sap the strength of American during its time of need. And Hollywood celebrities have been mouthing off about how war is bad and unnecessary, in the best manner of the Blame America Firsters. So, do your bit and don’t go the movies. (Unless it’s a Bruce Willis flick or one of the “Matrix” sequels coming out.) If you do the movies, then that means you support liberals and their liberal policies, so in effect, you’re contributing to the weakening of the homeland. Just don’t do it!

Read only American authors. If for some reason you want to read a book, support the US by reading only American writers. From “Valley of the Dolls” to “Mars and Venus in the Bedroom,” America has a wide range of home-grown scribes that can satisfy your intellectual needs. And again, by buying strictly American-composed works, you help the economy and keep those dollars right here at home. (British writers are okay and so are Spanish, although “Don Quixote” is about the only book worth reading in that language.)

Fly your flag. A classic never goes out of style, so get out those pins and car-flags to let everyone know that if you don’t support our troops, you’re not a true patriot and you might as well be giving comfort to the enemy.

Use the right language. Along the lines of support, make sure that you confront liberal weaklings who don’t understand the bigger picture by insisting that protesting the war is tantamount to protesting against our troops. So always ask loudly, “But don’t you support the troops?” to throw them off and expose their banality. By the same token, make sure you say, “But Saddam gassed his own people!” and “They support terrorism” so that everyone within earshot knows exactly what it is at stake, rather then relying on what they think the war is about, or what Hollywood know-nothings tell them.

And last but not least, remember that when people start bitching about collateral damage, point out two important facts: 1) in war, bad things happen; 2) this is all Saddam’s fault because if he had just complied, then we wouldn’t be having to go to war; 3) this is all France’s fault as well.

Now buck up! Keep the home fires burning and the liberals at bay. Get up and get out there!