Texting Edith

I have this great friend that I’ve known for years, name of Edith Chanson. We met in graduate school before she transfered out of state to the great Northwest, where’s she’s settled in and is now working as a second grade teacher. She’s a really close friend and probably one of the more level-headed people I know: she keeps me in check when I start on one of my political rants or what not. Very gentle person -- I suppose that you would need a level of serenity to deal with second graders.

So she texted me the other day: “I’m so tired of this war. I’m tired of hearing about it, reading about it, talking about it, thinking about it. Text me a message so I can get my mind off this motherfuckin’ war.”

I was in the middle of an incredibly b o r i n g seminar on proton decay, so I texted her back: “It’s a new reality show. War is exciting, and probably more for journalists than for regular people like you and me.”

Edith: “I keep hoping these cocksuckers get shot. Who came up with this embedded concept anyway?”

Me: “Dunno. Some ad firm on Madison Avenue.”

Edith: “Reporters have done such a great job selling this war that not only are they caught up in the fun of it, they’ve duped the motherfuckin’ public into thinking it was going to be over within days.”

Me: “They’re the worst armchair generals around. Pretty much clueless but acting like Ph.D’s.”

Edith: “While they’re busy jacking off over all of this, they’re not bothering to tell us any other news. I have to keep checking British and French sites for real news. Plus, with all this goddamn war coverage, I catch snippets of real news going unnoticed. Like how Republican-controlled Congress cut veteran’s benefits. These chickenhawk pieces of shit are making veterans and then having them come back to get nothing for it.”

Me: “Gotten your tax cut yet?”

Edith: “Fuck that fuckin’ shit. I don’t make over $100 thou’ a year so it ain’t gonna benefit me. I’m just glad that I’m a teacher here in the northwest, because if I was a teacher where you live, well, it would suck even more. How can they pass a tax cut in the middle of a war? Who’s got the balls for that shit?

Me: “Republicans.”

Edith: “They’re only concerned with two things: abortion and repealing real-estate taxes. They call it the ’death tax.’ Everything else can go to hell in a handbasket but as long as they scream about abortion and the real estate tax, they’re doing their civic duty. Both of those topics involve screwing someone, so why should be surprised?”

Me: “Why are they so hot to repeal this tax?”

Edith: “Real estate taxes have been historically used to pay down war debts. It was used in the Civil War and also in World War II. Other countries have used them as well, like in France which I know we’re supposed to despise them right now, but I find the whole anti-French thing just dumb. But now under cover of war, the Republicans want to get a tax cut plus reward themselves by ridding themselves of the real estate tax so that you and I pay for the war debt. Fuckin’ outrageous.”

Me: “Didn’t they cut the tax cut?”

Edith: “Any tax cut during this war isn’t going to help. Especially when you’ve got deficits and motherfucker, are we gettin’ deficits! It’s estimated that we’ll hit over $300 billion this year alone. Bush’s request for war money wasn’t included in his budget at all. Seventy-five billion and this is for a 30-day conflict. No word on if it goes longer, or any of the costs of the subsequent occupation and re-building Iraq. And speaking of which, remember when that motherfucker Hamid Kharzai, sheriff of Kabul was in town a few weeks ago? All this promise of re-building Afghanistan and we never budgeted any money for them. They added in a quick $300 million. What does that pay for? And if the deficits are getting fatter and fatter, how the fuck can Congress justify this tax cut plan? How can they offset costs by eliminating money from other programs like veteran’s benefits? Who the fuck thinks this is actually a good idea? You’d never get this coverage on the nightly news broadcasts. They’re too busy stroking their cocks over how exciting war is.”

Me: “Edith, I gotta go. My poster presentation is next.”

Edith: “Asshole! I need to relax and you’re leaving me hanging. You fuckin’ pussy! You----”

I hung up.