That Zyrtec Dude

When you see a commercial too many times, you start examining it for Deeper Meaning and Subtext. These are fifty-dollar catchwords that cerebral types love to use in order to make others feel intellectually inferior. But I'm using them right now because when you watch too much television, you feel an deep need to justify why you're wasting so much time.

It's certainly no secret that we as a nation are inundated with commercials that tell us to take drugs. There's a drug for everything, and since we're so damaged or about to be damaged, we're told to start taking purple pills or such to make us happy. In all the drug commercials, people are outside and loving it. Grandparents on those scooter bikes or doing some of those Falun-Gong exercises in the park (notice how they all dressed alike?), or the Herpes Girl having the time of her life because her medication has opened up a world of white-water rafting.

Right now, it's the commercial for Zyrtec featuring the guy who's just fallen for a cat person. He's the perfect Gen-X dude: stubble, T-shirt, ruffled shock of thick hair and fairly thin. He's in touch with his inner woman because he's shown planting a garden with his new paramour instead of watching a football game, downing a beer or playing Xbox. Or all three at once.

But the thing that proves he's a sensitive man is his Commitment. He shows he's a mature adult because he unselfishly goes to his doctor and gets medication that's approved for cat dander. You see before, his medication didn't cover pet dander, but he's sooo into his new girl that he makes that sacrifice to love her and her cat. When he says this in that awe-shucks manner, the girl says to her cat, "See how much he likes us?"

What a fucking bitch.

Seeing this commercial as many times as I have just fills me with loathing for this selfish girl. I so want him to dump her, because she clearly does not deserve him. He's doing everything an emasculated man can do to please his girlfriend, and she's totally oblivious to it. He's clearly vying for her attention (which he gets in only one scene, and in that few seconds, the couple is being omninously eyed by the cat) but fails because everything is about the damn animal. He can't play checkers or parcheesi with her because the cat squats itself on the board. He looks non-plussed while she finds it totally endearing. He wants a little affection on the couch, but she's too busy entertaining the cat, and you can catch him looking left out. He even tries to play with cat by dangling string in front of it -- doesn't he know the cat is completely evil and isn't amused by such stupidity? I mean, even the cat knows the guy is pussy-whipped and is clearly disgusted by his antics.

His final humiliation comes at the end of commercial, when he smiles wearing a shirt with the cat's evil mug on the front. What does his girlfriend do? She straightens it out because she doesn't want her precious pussy to be obstructed by wrinkles. She proves it right there that the cat is more important to her than him. I mean, this guy is so earnest and tries so hard that you want to pack up his girlfriend's belongings and throw her and her fucking cat out on the street.

And I'd love to see the look on her face when he does it.