Why I Won

Why I Won't Be Seeing ‘The Hobbit’

Well, this is the first time i've seen "The Hobbit" trailer. And I have a few things to note.

One, Guillermo Del Toro got a quarter of the screenplay credit. Good for him, he put up with all the New Line incompetence, at least he got something out of it. Although, he may change his mind after he reads the rest of the review.

Just as I suspected, it looks like they are going to stick to the theme of inventing shit that did not happen, a là Arawen in the entire Lord of the Rings saga. I am not sure these guys get it. There is plenty of material in the books--why on God's green (and brown and blue and sometimes white, but not for very long) Earth would you need to **ADD** bullshit to an already perfect story? A possible explanation for some scenes, hopefully, is that director Peter Jackson is a Tolkien geek of the freakiest kind. He has devoured all of Tolkien's books since he was old enough to dream about masturbating. Maybe he will be including some related over-lapping material found in some the other Middle-Earth works. LIKE the lost footage of Gandalf and Galadriel, Lady of Light, getting it on in the forest, all organic an' shit. I am not sure we can count on these peewee ki-wees to make some good decisions.

But the movie will ultimately end up as... a comedy. In the LOTR trilogy, Jackson and company turned Gimli, a valiant dwarf, into a Middle-Earth-yet-Scottish-Joe-Pesci dope. Crap, I say. They bumbled Gimli around like he was retarded: HILARIOUS! If Jackson did that with one dwarf in 12 hours, just imagine what he'll do.... with 13! In only five hours! Bonkers! It will be like Hamlet meets Three's Company: "Rosencrantz and Smaugenstern are Dead!" It's high art meets slapstick!

Andthis movie has the same old music from all the other movies. I just love hearing music over and over again! I wish it would never stop. But unfortunately, I usually change the station, and man, who has time for re-runs these days? How many times, I ask you, can you watch a camera spin around an entire mountain range? Awesome! "I strangely feel like a Coors Lite right now, ya got any, bra'?"

This movie will suck and suck terribly. Save your money people. Donate $20 to the Tolkien Foundation instead.