2012: Just Kill Yourself Already

2012: Just Kill Yourself Already

I can't wait for December 21, 2012.

Because the following day, I intend on walking into some courthouse and filing charges against any number of people, like Lawrence Joseph, author of "Apocalypse 2012." I don't know exactly what specific things I'm going to sue these people on, but I've got over a year to figure it out. And come on, there's plenty of enterprising lawyers who could possibly help me.

Maybe I'm just being bitter because hucksters like Lawrence Joseph are making money hand over fist on the growing fear of people who really thing Something Terrible is going to happen on December 21, 2012. You'll see these hucksters being deliberately vague about the specifics, but there will be "great changes" that will affect our way of life. How? Well, since these folks are selling gloom and doom, it's more than likely for the worse but they won't be caught dead (ahem) giving precise details. That takes the fun out of it.

But I also hope to make endless fun of the dumbounded dipshits who are hoarding food and supplies and buying into underground condos or land in Sierra Nevadas in Spain to survive this alleged apocalypse. And I'll get even darker here: I hope some of them kill themselves. Why? Why I write such a terrible thing? Well, you have to remember that I'm not the one who is threatening to kill myself or my children (!) because I'm worried about this unspecified disaster and see no hope or point in living beyond that. So who's the worse person here? These people should not be within the gene pool because their deep and ridiculous superstitions are scaring them into irreversible actions: why the hell would I want them having more of themselves?

It's ultimately the 2012 hucksters who should be sued or strung up in the public square because they're going around scaring the hell out of people, and playing a dangerous game with unstable and gullible minds. Oh, and taking these people's money! Let's not forget that. It's the oldest scam in the book, stemming from when the first priest met the first fool: give me money to support myself because I know something you do not. I have special knowledge. I can help you. And here we are thousands of generations later hearing the same lies and seeing the same reaction: yes, please, take my money. Thank you for opening my eyes to the truth. Here's another check. Do you take PayPal?

People who are falling for this 2012 nonsense deserve to be ripped off. I will have no sympathy for them when they realize that their $1 million outlay for the underground condo is non-refundable. Watching people dissemble can be almost as fun as watching them panic. That and seeing the credit card companies still demanding their money these idiots thought they no longer had to pay. Actually the only real fear I have about 2012 is that every earthquake, every bad storm, every time a canary breaks wind will all be held up as sure sign that this is somehow different from all those other times. Stupid people will be cowering and the hucksters will be nodding, but this geologically active planet will keep spinning. Even past 2012.

Until 2044, of course.